Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

New Course in Maryland Set to Open

On May 1st a grand opening will be held for Lake Presidential, an 18-hole course that winds through the new Beechtree community in Upper Marlboro, Md. Residents and local golfers are anticipating the layout's debut. "The course is going to open at a really good level, and we expect to do almost 4,000 rounds in May," said head pro Nathan Presnal.

In August, the course will host the MAPGA Senior/Quarter Century Championship, and in May 2009 it will host the qualifier for the Maryland State Open. The fact that the course will begin hosting tournaments as early as this summer speaks to its readiness and quality. "It's going to have a mature feel right out of the gate," noted Presnal. "If you look at our trees they're already 60- to 120-feet tall."

The course was created by Landmark Land, a developer that also built Kiawah Island Ocean Course (host of the 1991 PGA Ryder Cup), Oak Tree Golf Club (site of the 1998 PGA Championship), and Doonbeg Golf Club in County Clare, Ireland.

"We knew the very first time we walked the land that this course was going to be special," said Aref Hinedi, vice president of Marketing with Ryko Development, Beechtree's developer. "With the stream valley lake, the rolling topography and, of course, the acres of mature trees, Beechtree is a dream setting for a PGA-quality golf course."

Lake Presidential's clubhouse will open its doors on May 1 along with the course. "The clubhouse is approximately 11,000 square feet, which is a really good size for a public, daily-fee facility," said Presnal. "It's also going to offer amenities not usually associated with public facilities, such as a restaurant with full bar, conference room, and closed-door dining room where you could entertain clients after a round of golf. It gives the feel of a private club experience without having to pay dues."

Presnal will be assisted by three other PGA pros to help players improve their games. "Having PGA members and proven, certified instructors here further speaks to our commitment to quality," he said.

Beechtree community is located off Route 301, about 10 minutes from the Beltway and 30 minutes from Washington, D.C. Over 600 of its 1,200 acres are dedicated to the golf course, a 30-acre lake, woodlands, open space, and amenities such as the Beechtree Swim & Racquet Club, which will overlook the course and lake. Upon completion, Beechtree will boast over $30 million worth of amenities.

For more information about Lake Presidential Golf Club, visit www.LakePresidential.com. For more about Beechtree, visit www.BeechtreeMD.com.

Mulieri Medals As Loyola Takes Fourth At LaCrosse Homes Golf Collegiate

Sunday rally helps Hounds climb four spots in final team standings

March 30, 2008

Baltimore, Md. - Junior Michael Mulieri fired a final round 69 to win the individual title at the LaCrosse Homes Collegiate at Prospect Bay Country Club on Sunday afternoon. Mulieri's charge fueled a Loyola rally as the Greyhounds climbed four spots in the final team standings to place fourth out of 19 teams.

Mulieri opened the tournament with a 75 and ended with a 36-hole score of 144. Senior Chris Derby, who posted a 76 on Saturday, followed with a 74 on Sunday, while freshman Alex Redfearn chipped in with a 76.

Loyola's fourth scorer, freshman Keith Hall, followed his 79 with an 80 to give the Greyhounds a team score of 299 and a tournament score of 609. Longwood won the tournament with a two-round 598 while Liberty and UNC Greensboro rounded out the top three.

For Mulieri, who was named the MAAC Golfer of the Month earlier in the week, the tournament title is his second this spring. He won the Carlton Oaks Invitational to open the calendar year for the Greyhounds.

Loyola returns to action April 18-19 when they travel to Farmington, Mich. for the Golden Fox Invitational.

Final Team Scores
Longwood - 598
Liberty - 600
UNC Greensboro - 602
Loyola - 609
James Madison - 614
Army - 617
Georgetown - 619
Cornell - 622
Navy - 624
St. Bonaventure - 625
Towson - 626
Rutgers - 628
Boston College - 628
Yale - 632
Brown - 632
Siena - 636
St Joe's - 642
LIU - 657